My father abandoned me from a distance. He paid child support, but he lived a few states away with his new family. He considered the fact that he paid the support 'parenting'. Once upon a time, he had the nerve to tell me that he always felt like he had done his part since he paid the money. It was disgusting. My mother took on both roles, mother & father. I think it's sometimes very difficult for people who had fathers around to understand what it is like to not have one. Or to have one who pretends to do his job from a distance. Anyway, enough rambling, your girls are lucky. They're lucky to have a mother like you.
Ah Maria, I know this feeling well. Not the lack of father part, but the wanting dad to be out of your children's lives part. It would make things so much less complicated. I could go anywhere I want without worrying about leaving LMD behind.
But those feelings were replaced with admiration when I saw the way my son's relationship changed with his father when we split. I realize that his dad is just as important as I am when it comes to being a parent. I know you realize this, too. I'm really just trying to tell you that I understand those feelings.
Rachael
· 1 year ago
Sometimes when I read your posts, all I can think about is how lucky your girls are to have you for a Mom. It's so wonderful that you are glad of those things even though you don't always want to be.
I think that it wonderful that you had your grandfather in the role of daddy, that is truly a blessing. You have a maturity that is astounding for someone so young and it sounds like your parenting skills are impeccable.
Half-Past Kissin' Time
· 1 year ago
Your unselfishness is one of the many reasons your daughters are who they are. And their dad will also impact who they are. I'm glad you had your grandparents to nurture you.
I think that it wonderful that you had your grandfather in the role of daddy, that is truly a blessing. You have a maturity that is astounding for someone so young and it sounds like your parenting skills are impeccable.
Girls having a daddy is a good thing. Having a daddy and your granddaddy is a great thing. Even if your grandfather isn't on this earth much longer, obviously his presence is felt. I'm sorry that you didn't have a daddy, but your wisdom shines out and he missed out. He really did.
Perfect Maria. Perfect. There are a million words I've typed and deleted here for fear that they would come out wrong, so I'll just leave it there. Beautifully written.
Wow. That is awesome to come out there with that. And as long as your daughters have someone solid in their life they will be fine.
Don Mills DIva
· 1 year ago
Wow Maria - you really GET it. Is is crucial I think for girls to have a father or a father figure (like you did) - it's a strong women who realizes that and lets her ex be that person...
I just have to say I love you, Maria. I love your sensibility and your strength and the way you are able to communicate all of that here. Your girls are lucky to have you. So lucky.
Even if you couldn't read me latest post! Now that you said C-section even I'm squicked.
It drives my mother nuts sometimes when my brother and I speak in a manner that reminds her of our father, but I've always been happy they had joint custody, even when they both sucked.
And that is why you are a great mother: you put your kids' wants and needs first. Too many parents can't and won't do that, and their kids suffer for it.
I'm trying to disappear from my girls' dad. Not that I have to, but because I'm feeling mean and spiteful that he's been such a total dick again lately, and he's disappeared on us enough times, it's about time I got a break from dealing with his crap. I'm very thankful, though, that my father is an influence on my girls. I think they appreciate him a lot more than I did.
Oh, honey. I know all this too well. My dad left when I was 22 months old and went to Vietnam to fight the war rather than stay home with me and my mom.
I met him once when I was 18, and then saw him again when I was 27. It was the last time I saw him because he died (it was quite a crazy death; I'll tell you about it sometime, but for now I'll just say alcohol+oxygen for emphysemia+smoking a cigarette don't mix well. Unless you like fire). We emailed and spoke on the phone occasionally but never had an actual relationship.
Unlike you I never had anyone I called Daddy; I've always described myself as someone with a daddy-shaped hole in my heart.
I love the last line "Just because I didn’t need my father doesn’t mean that it’s not absolutely spectacular that they have theirs. What separating couple doesn't think like that to some degree? Wouldn't it be an easier world if we didn't have to share them, sometimes...just sometimes.
Found your blog via Cecily. I'll leave it to her to share her story about her dad.
But your post sure got me thinking. I remember as a kid watching my dad struggle with the fact that his father had abandoned the family...had walked out to get a pack of smokes and never returned...and had persistently dodged child support. The day I was born, my grandfather and his girlfriend showed up drunk at the hospital. After that, my dad tried to reconnect with his father. He sent him food and clothes over the years. Eventually the old man moved from his apartment in Queens to a house in upstate NY. Against my mom's advice, dad went to visit the old man up there. Five hour bus ride. The first night, my grandfather got drunk and picked a fight. My dad had to walk back to the bus station in the snow. He called my mom, crying, at 2am, and had to wait until 6am for the next bus back to NYC. I'll never forget that. How the old man still had such power over my dad.
My dad died in 1979. He was only 46. The old man called once after that, drunk and crying. He died in 1981.
I'm determined that my baby girl will always have a daddy who loves and cares about her...as I told her yesterday when she put her head on my shoulder, "You can always lean on daddy."
You have me crying in my office.. I want to hug you but can't.. I have said it to others and I will say it to you.. YOU my friend are wise beyond your years.. Your girls are lucky to have such an aware Mom that gives a crap to be selfless in what is right for them.. and not just you..
I totally understand that wish that they'd just go away. But my niece still battles that feeling of abandonment from her 'father', so I see that side of it too.
A lot of the time, I just wish Gabe's father was dead. That way my son wouldn't have to worry about why he'd been abandoned (he hasn't abandoned him yet, but I seriously fear that he might), I would at least get Social Security and not have to worry about the constant battle for child support, and he couldn't fuck up my baby emotionally later on in life. But then I remember that Gabriel really adores his dad. Which is part of my problem, because it's a lot easier to get hurt when you love someone so much. Sigh.
My ex hasn't seen his kids in years. He has no idea that he is a grandfather to two beautiful children. The last I heard, his girlfriend was prostituting herself for their drug money. I hope one day he looks at himself in the mirror and realizes what he missed out on.
You, are a wonderful mother and don't ever doubt that.
I have to say that as a divorced mother I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it seems it would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal with their dad because he is a total ass. But he wronged me, not them and I'm glad I'm grown up enough to finally realize that.
You lie. Your a lier I'm sure of it. There is NO possible way that you are 23.
Man this post hit a nerve with me. My mother hid her pregnancy (me, the one she didn't want) so that her husband at the time, my biological father, would not know I existed. He does. But I have yet to meet him. All I know are the very few horrid stories about him.
No money, no cards, no attempt. But I suddenly want to meet him and possibly his new family. And that scares the shit out of me.
You are a terrific, selfless, and incredibly wise mother.
Stop being a stalker Angel. :P I'll cut and paste the email I just sent Temple:
I can tell you with 100% honesty and admittance that nothing about my father's existence or absence bothers me one bit. I don't really know why, and it did was I was a small child, like 5 or 6, but it doesn't and hasn't in a long time. Maybe because I was way too consumed with anger and pain over the fact that my mother didn't want me. Now THAT, that hurt. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it took a very long time for me to come to terms with it. Papa though? Not at all. I wish him the best just like any other stranger.
Rebecca
· 1 year ago
There's so much of this I could have written myself. The absent father, the Grandfather taking his place....and even the unwanted presence of the father in the kids life. I've always regretted that I told my twins' father that I was even pregnant.Unfair,terrible and selfish of me,of course but true nonetheless
I understand what you are saying because the dad fights me on every damn thing when it comes to our son. The problem, though, is when I feel he's fighting just to hurt me instead of fighting for what's best for our son. THAT makes my blood boil.
But at the end of the day, I guess I have to begrudgingly admit that I'm glad the boy has his dad in his life.
good for you for seeing that at least he's stepping up and trying to be a father. your daughters will see that and when they grow up and look for men to marry, they will look for men who fight tooth and nail for them as well. because they had that in their father.
and quite frankly, your sperm donor of a father, doesn't even deserve to be called 'father' - he was a sperm donor. your grandpa was your father, through and through.. that title is earned.
How lucky your kids are that you're not using your past to dictate their future. :)
Karen MEG
· 1 year ago
Maria, you are a remarkable woman, and even more wonderful mother. Putting your kids' emotional welfare way ahead of your own troubles...it goes beyond maturity.
My cousin-in-law is going through a spectacularly ugly split up and his ex has totally turned his kids against him. They no longer call him Dad. I know there are always two sides, but to turn his own kids against him with mind games, after being an obviously loving father ... it's not only immature, it's borderline psychotic what she's done to her children.
He's fighting tooth and nail... and I think eventually, when his kids are adults, they'll appreciate it. But now, it's like hell on earth for him.
This is a very powerful post from a male point of view. I left the U.S. for Military Service overseas. Along with that I left a 1 year old daughter. This was not entirely my making and I don't want to get into the blame game now. But it tore me apart inside. 16 years later, I returned to the U.S. and embarked on a mission of finding my daughter. I did. We eased into things and shared our experience and feelings about the matter.
We are still in contact today and I do regret the way everything turned out. But she is my daughter and we both have embraced that I am not her "Daddy" she has one of those, but I am her father.
This experience has shown me now at 40 what I never understood at 19. My children today (3 yrs and 20 mo.) will not have to feel the pain that she went through. For that I am sure.
Red Flashlight
· 1 year ago
My mother raised me to think my daddy abandoned us and was evil. When she kicked me out of her house at age 14 I went to live with my "evil" father. There I learned the real truth: my mother's little habit of telling little lies is actually a big habit of telling big lies.
My father was the only true parent I ever had.
I think men have it pretty hard in this sexist society because of stereotypes about them: that they can't commit. That they can't experience love. That they are bad parents, especially for girls.
I can understand the feelings of wanting bad fathers to "just go away." But I wish my father had not done just that. My mother drove him away. He let her get away with it because my sister and I were girls. I missed out.
Now I'm just grateful for the few years I got to spend in his house - age 14 to age 20. Then he passed away.
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But those feelings were replaced with admiration when I saw the way my son's relationship changed with his father when we split. I realize that his dad is just as important as I am when it comes to being a parent. I know you realize this, too. I'm really just trying to tell you that I understand those feelings.
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And way too wise to be 23.
I think you're lying. ;)
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On a completely different note, I just realized that you are the imMORAL, not imMORTAL, martriarch. Yes, I am a dork.
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Even if you couldn't read me latest post! Now that you said C-section even I'm squicked.
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I met him once when I was 18, and then saw him again when I was 27. It was the last time I saw him because he died (it was quite a crazy death; I'll tell you about it sometime, but for now I'll just say alcohol+oxygen for emphysemia+smoking a cigarette don't mix well. Unless you like fire). We emailed and spoke on the phone occasionally but never had an actual relationship.
Unlike you I never had anyone I called Daddy; I've always described myself as someone with a daddy-shaped hole in my heart.
I'm sorry this stuff is hitting you. :(
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But your post sure got me thinking. I remember as a kid watching my dad struggle with the fact that his father had abandoned the family...had walked out to get a pack of smokes and never returned...and had persistently dodged child support. The day I was born, my grandfather and his girlfriend showed up drunk at the hospital. After that, my dad tried to reconnect with his father. He sent him food and clothes over the years. Eventually the old man moved from his apartment in Queens to a house in upstate NY. Against my mom's advice, dad went to visit the old man up there. Five hour bus ride. The first night, my grandfather got drunk and picked a fight. My dad had to walk back to the bus station in the snow. He called my mom, crying, at 2am, and had to wait until 6am for the next bus back to NYC. I'll never forget that. How the old man still had such power over my dad.
My dad died in 1979. He was only 46. The old man called once after that, drunk and crying. He died in 1981.
I'm determined that my baby girl will always have a daddy who loves and cares about her...as I told her yesterday when she put her head on my shoulder, "You can always lean on daddy."
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But my niece still battles that feeling of abandonment from her 'father', so I see that side of it too.
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But then I remember that Gabriel really adores his dad. Which is part of my problem, because it's a lot easier to get hurt when you love someone so much. Sigh.
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Man this post hit a nerve with me. My mother hid her pregnancy (me, the one she didn't want) so that her husband at the time, my biological father, would not know I existed. He does. But I have yet to meet him. All I know are the very few horrid stories about him.
No money, no cards, no attempt. But I suddenly want to meet him and possibly his new family. And that scares the shit out of me.
You are a terrific, selfless, and incredibly wise mother.
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Of course I'm impressed that J doesn't want to be around the kids just to spite you, like my sister's baby daddies.
indeed, your girls; they are, although unaware, fortunate.
and you and he are doin' it. that's the hard part. the doin'.
(a thing you so obviously recognize.)
((((Maria))))
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I'll cut and paste the email I just sent Temple:
I can tell you with 100% honesty and admittance that nothing about my father's existence or absence bothers me one bit. I don't really know why, and it did was I was a small child, like 5 or 6, but it doesn't and hasn't in a long time. Maybe because I was way too consumed with anger and pain over the fact that my mother didn't want me. Now THAT, that hurt. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it took a very long time for me to come to terms with it. Papa though? Not at all. I wish him the best just like any other stranger.
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But at the end of the day, I guess I have to begrudgingly admit that I'm glad the boy has his dad in his life.
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and quite frankly, your sperm donor of a father, doesn't even deserve to be called 'father' - he was a sperm donor. your grandpa was your father, through and through.. that title is earned.
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My cousin-in-law is going through a spectacularly ugly split up and his ex has totally turned his kids against him. They no longer call him Dad. I know there are always two sides, but to turn his own kids against him with mind games, after being an obviously loving father ... it's not only immature, it's borderline psychotic what she's done to her children.
He's fighting tooth and nail... and I think eventually, when his kids are adults, they'll appreciate it. But now, it's like hell on earth for him.
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No, very far from it. But Im learning, day by day.
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So, it's not just you. :)
Florencia...
FLOReeennncciiaaaaa.
You've a got a kick ass name.
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We are still in contact today and I do regret the way everything turned out. But she is my daughter and we both have embraced that I am not her "Daddy" she has one of those, but I am her father.
This experience has shown me now at 40 what I never understood at 19. My children today (3 yrs and 20 mo.) will not have to feel the pain that she went through. For that I am sure.
My father was the only true parent I ever had.
I think men have it pretty hard in this sexist society because of stereotypes about them: that they can't commit. That they can't experience love. That they are bad parents, especially for girls.
I can understand the feelings of wanting bad fathers to "just go away." But I wish my father had not done just that. My mother drove him away. He let her get away with it because my sister and I were girls. I missed out.
Now I'm just grateful for the few years I got to spend in his house - age 14 to age 20. Then he passed away.
Truth.
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