When the right, better spot comes, you'll never remember this. Trust me.
LaskiGal
· 1 year ago
The paradox of love and loss . . . you captured it. Wanting it back, but not wanting it at all. Knowing that if you gain IT, you lose YOU. Feeling lonely, but knowing that not feeling lonely might mean you'll feel alone . . . all over again.
"How I was swallowed hole in us . . . "
Maybe right now, you are right where you should be. You are doing what is the very best for you . . . no matter what. And that takes a strength that not many have. Or ever will . . .
Secret Agent Mama
· 1 year ago
You have to go through all types of "spots" to get to the new ones. And the old spots, while sometimes wonderful, really hold no candle to the new spots we can't yet see or feel.
xx
G. Eric Francis
· 1 year ago
Nice, if unfinished, piece there Ma'am. Sigh...
the planet of janet
· 1 year ago
time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.
beautifully written.
hugs, hon.
Hockeyman
· 1 year ago
applause for the writing and hugs for the absence
Lilacspecs
· 1 year ago
Very touching post. Artfully written.
Jen-Queen of Poo
· 1 year ago
Maybe someday you'll find someone to lean on for warmth with few jolts and surprises, although, I think a few of those are worth it for the right person.
amlove0
· 1 year ago
once in a blue moon I miss my spot. but it's so not worth it to me to go back there. shit, I can't even go back to that state until I have a court order in hand. lolz....
woman in a window
· 1 year ago
I hope you stay warm. (Nice to meet you.) erin
Jennifer
· 1 year ago
I remember feeling like that. Always having to remind yourself of how things REALLY were, not just the good parts.
April
· 1 year ago
I remember, back in the beginning of our separation, wishing that their dad was there to run the bath, like he sometimes did. Then I remembered all the cajoling and nagging I had to do to even get him to do that, and how he'd always have to do something else, and I'd end up doing it myself. I realized at that moment that it's better to just be alone than keep waiting for him to show up.
Zoeyjane
· 1 year ago
I hate the fact that I'm about to say that I understand exactly what you're saying. Mostly, because it denigrates what you two had - compares it to what I did. Also, though, I hate it because it I hate it that you hurt.
ONealsDeal
· 1 year ago
Those words & feelings are the exact reason why I can't "just leave". No matter how hard I cry, how awful he is or treats me, no matter how much better I deserve or how many times others scream it at me - I can't "just leave". I've played it all out in my head,every scenario, every word, and they all end the same - exactly the feelings you describe. I know all my friends are fed up with hearing it, so I just quit talking. I know what I should do, and could do. I know I deserve better and the children deserve a happier, less "tense" environment at times not to mention what they're learning about marriage. If it were violent, there would be no question, and sometimes I'm pissed it's not a clear black & white matter. But I love him, throughout all the blurriness, and couldn't imagine life withOUT him, especially not having "my spot".
I do admire you for doing the "right" thing and trying to make the best for yourself & the girls, more than you'll ever know! Maybe one day I'll be that strong.
MomBabe
· 1 year ago
sniff. I'll snuggle with you.
Tara R.
· 1 year ago
I remember my mom going through this same thing when my parents divorced finally. I think for her it was just the familiarity and not that she was missing HIM so much. Once she got more comfortable being apart from him, and more her own person, that feeling lessened and finally went away. It will for you too.
MomoFali
· 1 year ago
You can borrow my spot if you want. I'd be happy to hold you, sweetie.
meredithwinn
· 1 year ago
i'm gonna say the same thing as ZoeyJane. i hate that i know this feeling, this being torn. i hate that you also know this as well. this post really got me today. it was beautifully written.
"My days were full then, too, of an eager longing for something different. Something better. I guess that’s just me. Always dissatisfied."
he often said i'd never be happy. he threw it on me like a curse.
Maggie's Mind
· 1 year ago
Beautifully written. But ouch.
Jill
· 1 year ago
Wow. That was amazing.
I've been there, and it's so painful. You will find it again. Stay strong.
Captain Steve
· 1 year ago
Dude, that is the worst. The rest of it is dealable, because your brain gets it, but the sleeping brain, not so much.
Kelley
· 1 year ago
Stupid heart. Sometimes it just wants what we know we don't need.
Hugs babe. Big squeezy ones.
Xbox4NappyRash
· 1 year ago
Very well written, good luck to you.
Angella
· 1 year ago
Oh, wow Maria. This was beautiful, despite the sadness you feel. xoxo
flutter
· 1 year ago
this is so beautiful, Maria
Jo Beaufoix
· 1 year ago
That was so lovely. I don't know what else to say, except that if there is a next time you will pick a better spot and it will cherish you more. Hugs.
Miss
· 1 year ago
I know this sweetie. Gah, how I know.
But I did what you asked....
Kim
· 1 year ago
I have no amazing words to make that part go away..I wish I did.. like I wish I could send you fairy dust and you can sprinkle it on you and make it easier.. Hugs Maria.. hugs..
Pare
· 1 year ago
Wow.
You did good here, girl.
Kristie
· 1 year ago
So it's the spot... and not him? Or is that what you are working on?
This is good. Your honesty is good for you.
Smile.
Carolyn Online
· 1 year ago
That was beautifully written and poignantly sad.
dysfunctional mom
· 1 year ago
It's definitely not just you, and I don't think it's about being always dissatisfied. You just want to be happy. You weren't happy in some ways with him and you're not happy in some ways without him. But you won't be happy if you go back either. I missed my ex and he was physically and emotionally abusive. How fucked up is that? But I don't any more. It just takes time, that sounds so trite but it really is true. And then when you find the man who gives you what you need & deserve, and treats you well, you'll look back and wonder how you ever could've missed him.
amy
· 1 year ago
I am here if you ever need a vent girl. so sorry.
Kaila
· 1 year ago
You will find a better, warmer spot. Time will heal you. *hug*
maggie, dammit
· 1 year ago
Oh, babe.
slouching mom
· 1 year ago
sigh. it's so fucking hard sometimes.
thinking about you.
Employee No. 3699
· 1 year ago
I’ve been there, years ago. It’s been almost nineteen years since I left my ex…it took ten to leave him. Over the years we had split several times and I felt that same way. Finally I couldn’t do it anymore. The feeling, that feeling of being without him; not wanting him and not needing him; knowing I would be fine without him…was the greatest feeling in the world. It was a long hard road, but so worth the journey.
You will be fine.
María | Blissed
· 1 year ago
I have no idea if I'll ever get there. 6 years now...it feels like I won't. But, I do try to remind myself of certain things, often. Mostly with this quote:
*"**I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, but if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best."* - Marilyn Monroe
It'll be on my wall shortly. :)
Gypsy
· 1 year ago
That was so evocative. And I can totally understand missing that, but knowing what you miss isn't the whole story.
Ashley
· 1 year ago
Maybe that's why I can't leave still. Afraid I'll miss it. Afraid I'll forget. Afraid I'll be sorry. Afraid to make a damn choice.
Awww this is bitter sweet because I've totally been there. It reminds me of how I felt after I divorced my hubby and sold the diamond engagement ring he gave me to www.idonowidont.com for some closure.
I thought I'd never ever find someone like him but I have hope that another Mr. Right will come along. I wish I could write out my feelings as pretty as you do with this post though!
Rachael1013
· 1 year ago
There you go, impressing me with your words again... it's beautiful. (Hugs)
Miss Awesome
· 1 year ago
For the longest time I missed my ex's hands, their size, their strength, even though they were the same hands that hurt me, I still missed the way they sometimes made me feel so good. After it was all over I could look him in the eye but I couldn't face those hands.
It's been three years and I finally found the nerve to sneak a peek at those hands the other day and I felt...nothing. It was wonderful.
You'll get there too someday.
María | Blissed
· 1 year ago
That made me so sad, yet encouraged me, you know? Thanks for that.
Mine is still here, but the sentiments you feel I feel all the time.
It is funny how we can miss something that is not good for us. You will get through this. And perhaps you will always miss some of it. But living with that doubt? I think would be worse. That doubt of self inside a relationship
MindyMom
· 1 year ago
Wow, I could have written this - but you did. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Thanks.
Missives From Suburbia
· 1 year ago
I'm sorry. Sometimes the littlest things are the hardest ones to let go of, because they feel like home.
(P.S. I love you dearly, and I'm reading faithfully, but for some reason, it's taking forever for me to be able to make comments, so I'm not commenting as often!)
María | Blissed
· 1 year ago
Do you mean on my blog or just in general? Disqus takes a while to post comments on my blog, but I guess that's because they have to go to their server first.
kat
· 1 year ago
This was so beautifully written, Maria.
This reminded me of myself at one time:
"I think about how I sleep alone now. I depend on nothing but myself and my blankets for heat. There are no sudden jolts or surprises. I think it’s better that way; safer at least. The less dependent on him, the better. Even if it’s just for heat, or a pillow, at night."
I will never, ever forget the first time I ever slept in my bed alone and sprawled out, on my back. For years after I became a single mom I slept curled up on one side of the bed, like...bed was no good if someone wasn't in it with me. It's one of the most delicious memories I have of my entire life, remembering how much freedom I felt in MY bed, alone, taking up the whole thing.
Bluestreak
· 1 year ago
I just love this post, Maria. One of my favs of yours.
All Comments
I feel this too. You have no idea.
Love you.
xoxoxo
"How I was swallowed hole in us . . . "
Maybe right now, you are right where you should be. You are doing what is the very best for you . . . no matter what. And that takes a strength that not many have. Or ever will . . .
xx
beautifully written.
hugs, hon.
erin
I do admire you for doing the "right" thing and trying to make the best for yourself & the girls, more than you'll ever know! Maybe one day I'll be that strong.
"My days were full then, too, of an eager longing for something different.
Something better.
I guess that’s just me.
Always dissatisfied."
he often said i'd never be happy. he threw it on me like a curse.
I've been there, and it's so painful. You will find it again. Stay strong.
Hugs babe. Big squeezy ones.
But I did what you asked....
You did good here, girl.
This is good. Your honesty is good for you.
Smile.
I missed my ex and he was physically and emotionally abusive. How fucked up is that?
But I don't any more. It just takes time, that sounds so trite but it really is true.
And then when you find the man who gives you what you need & deserve, and treats you well, you'll look back and wonder how you ever could've missed him.
Time will heal you.
*hug*
thinking about you.
You will be fine.
But, I do try to remind myself of certain things, often. Mostly with this
quote:
*"**I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out
of control, but if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at
my best."* - Marilyn Monroe
It'll be on my wall shortly. :)
Maria Young
immoralmatriarch.com
And I love the Marilyn quote. So perfect
I thought I'd never ever find someone like him but I have hope that another Mr. Right will come along. I wish I could write out my feelings as pretty as you do with this post though!
It's been three years and I finally found the nerve to sneak a peek at those hands the other day and I felt...nothing. It was wonderful.
You'll get there too someday.
Maria Young
immoralmatriarch.com
It is funny how we can miss something that is not good for us. You will get through this. And perhaps you will always miss some of it. But living with that doubt? I think would be worse. That doubt of self inside a relationship
(P.S. I love you dearly, and I'm reading faithfully, but for some reason, it's taking forever for me to be able to make comments, so I'm not commenting as often!)
comments on my blog, but I guess that's because they have to go to their
server first.
This reminded me of myself at one time:
"I think about how I sleep alone now.
I depend on nothing but myself and my blankets for heat.
There are no sudden jolts or surprises.
I think it’s better that way; safer at least.
The less dependent on him, the better.
Even if it’s just for heat, or a pillow, at night."
I will never, ever forget the first time I ever slept in my bed alone and sprawled out, on my back. For years after I became a single mom I slept curled up on one side of the bed, like...bed was no good if someone wasn't in it with me. It's one of the most delicious memories I have of my entire life, remembering how much freedom I felt in MY bed, alone, taking up the whole thing.